Male nowadays

The reason i use the term 'male' is because, in my opinion, regardless male in any age or life stage, will eventually face this issue and i guess eventually every single male will eventually experience this. Therefore, i have no intention to play with so many different terms on one word that means the same point.

My room, shared with my sis, is flooded with Korean and Taiwanese male idols' posters and DVDs. They, when compared with me, are taller, knowing how to pose and smile well in order to charm innocent and fairy tales lovers. Ask my mom and expect nothing good from her. 'The foundation of make-up they put on their face is thicker than wall paint.' 'See his limbs, as thin as a refugee', 'Wear like female, wait, they know how to dress up better than your sis'. Well, i agreed. These feedbacks indirectly categorize me as a 'typical male'

Comments from my sis ' He is so handsome, bro. Wear like him and you kill all the girls in college.' 'Gosh, you see how he walk, talk and smile, learn la, bro.'

Feedbacks from me 'People make-up one. Ask him not to make-up and see. I sapu him flat flat'. 'He walked like a sissy with nothing in between his legs. I guess this is what happen when you wear skinny, very very skinny jeans all the time.'

Thanks to all these idols from almost- perfect but mean-to-con-kids dramas, at home, arrows of negative comments shoot accurately on me. My sisters, idols mati-susah-kipas (diehard fans) will try to make me as identical as their idols while my mom, despite suppose to be the opposition party, occasionally agree with them. This is what i have face at home. Life revolves around female, is not fun.

So, this is the dilemma. In one hand, your 'masters' (my mom and sis) are nagging everytime I wear t-shirt with jeans. Community in Malaysia, guys are good enough with jeans and t-shirt. No cardigan, gay-alike- short pants, pink shirt and scarf, to name some. And thanks to the invasion of boyish trend, which announced that it is ok for female to be like male, by wearing like me, having the same hair style like me, behave like me, and even talk and swear like me. DEI, people will say you cool, and say that i look like a girl. WTH?!

I just wonder why on earth they invaded the limited space for fashion for dudes? The space and market for female is sooooooooo infinite. Get back to where you are, please. I hate when my sis told me that a lesbian (usually they are either les or bi, assumption but based on facts and personal experiences) looks better than me. And ya, they eat our prey. (I won't blame them for indirectly making the population of female reduced, but they raised the standard of the guys nowadays)

So, don't complain and curse guys who are looking and trying to transform to 'beauty male'. It is for survival purpose. We used to compete with only male, but now with female. I guess we, the survivals, will eventually compete against pets in future. Wait, we are what. They appreciate cute dogs and cats, but not us. (Google-ing Shaolin Novice Monk Application Form now ;p)

So long, my ugly old but sweet backpack

Ok, i have no intention to wake up so early as it is suppose to be my holiday. However, since i wake up, i decided to clear away junks that is well kept in my limited space. After some serious attempts of separating junks and goods, i experienced cognitive dissonance (go google it, psychology term)

I placed my backpack, my ugly backpack, under junks category. Ok, both side of the bag were completed stripped off in Bangkok and it is a miracle that its body can successfully transferred back to KL for funeral. In another hand, since i basically fix it and its performance will not be affected after the fixing, there is no reason for me to throw it away. However, this is the same bag that hurts my back and shoulder. I have to consume pills for weeks just to heal myself. But, i travelled around, despite being ugly, to everywhere.

This is the same old bag that i bring my overweight loads of laptop, speakers, documents during flash mob. This is the same old bag that i bring my laundry back to BG. This is the same old bag that i bring my limited textbooks and notes to college everyday. And this is the same old bag that i bring along, carrying my camera, mineral waters, towel, maps and everything tiny to my first ever travel, to Cambodia and Bangkok.

Battle between rational and emotion never ends. But, as human, we are suppose to think logically, based on evidences and facts.

Still, it remains as history, sweet memory. Whatever that has passed pass. Despite all the heartbreaks and tears, nothing can change the fact that it is time for it to retire (sounds better than being abandoned at trash bin) I agree that it might sounds cruel but if everyone remain the same and do no change, there is no chance for something better to get into your life. When it is time to let go, let go. Let it be a short term pain than a forever burden.

I love you, backpack....... that's why i choose not to make both of us feel bad.....

Sorry, you should leaving my life now. Other bag (hopefully Nike, but damn it is expensive ;p) might replace your position, but never the memories between us.

Announcement

Give me some time. For those who know me, you will know that i hate being forced. So, don't bother to ask me who is my 'flower', i won't bother to provide answers nor hints. Will announce when i think it is the right time. I think she deserved to know first before anyone around me :D

The confession

As i flipped through the photos that are long hidden in my external hard disk, i realized the transformation and growth on both outer and inner. Surprisingly, being a person that have thoughts and long term plans, i never imagine myself to be something like this (someone like now). Pictures of me before 18, during 18, after now, 21, reflected how mature (i mean my brain) i'm now. I no longer fancy on video games, no longer fancy on comic books, no longer fancy on going to theme park, no longer able to stay up so late or wake up so early just to watch cartoon, no longer beg and cry for mercy in order to get my toy.

Perhaps with the wings that attached on my back, allows me to fly, high and away from the typical life that i used to have. Therefore, the luxuries that i used to have, nowadays, for me, no longer excite me. But as you realized that you are flying away too long, being expose to storms and intense sun heat, you tend to look for a hideout, return to place where you used to hate, a typical way of spending a day. You start to hate surprise, like to wander through old memories and photos, prefer peaceful, re-enjoy silly and stupid stuffs that you used to do alone, or with your never-know-how-to-define-embarassing friends.

But, hey, as you keep proceed, it gets harder and further to U-turn and by the time you realized that you are tore out by attempting to get back to the starting point, you know that everyone left the starting point and it is impossible to rewind and pause at that desired moment. So, the first thing i learn after 21, like it or not, things change, keep moving.

I never good in words, despite trying to.
I'm pretty sentimental (occasionally), despite usually i freaked people out when i'm sentimental.

Many times, i hit or miss, celebrate and regret. Yet, as i keep walking, despite moving toward the unknown with fear and anxiety, i thanks every single individual and 'item', good, bad and ugly, that is with me, past, present and future.

Mom, i guess i really grow up, not just biologically ;p

I have this face

I have this face, when chatting, people tend to laugh

I have this face, when chatting, people tend to share

I have this face, when i'm alone, people tend to approach and chat with me

I have this face, when i remain silent, people tend to think i try to act cool

I have this face, when i smile at the wrong time, people tend to think i'm playing trick on them

I have this face, when i try to be serious, people tend to think i'm angry

I have this face, when i'm being honest, people tend to think i'm lying

I have this interesting face.............. so, should i cancel my trip to Korea for plastic surgery next year? ;P

Birthday Wish list to be revealed!!!!!

I hope that someone I know actually bother to think of buying something for me, and currently cracking heads and brains of what to get for me (A indication of me having at least some caring friends). Anyway, in order to save everyone's wallet and brain juice, I will announce that there will be no whatsoever birthday party by me. If you received news or info about me going to celebrate my 21th birthday like Merdaka celebration, at my house or club, sorry to inform you, but you kena conned ;p

Following are my birthday wish list, anyone from the list will do. In order to protect everyone's benefit, i will keep all the items in the list possible to be purchased.

1) Audi R8 ( Ok, ignore it. Even if anyone able to buy that for me, i can't even afford to pay for a full-tanked petrol)
2) 宇珩 latest album, only released at the mid of november (Get this one, cheap, easy, last long)
3) Iphone casing (I should get one as early as possible, but couldn't get a special one)
4) A backpack, a really big one (I think it is pretty much impossible to get one for me in a very special price *i know you guys punya price range* :P)
5) 'Dating a hot chick' for dummies, guide book


I really have everything i need, oh ya, perhaps we can go out for dinner, of course, I shouldn't pay for that meal. Please, typical food ya. I eat food, i don't feel full by looking at the environment ;p

(Hope that my hint is obvious enough for those who don't know what to buy for me. You see, i prefer things that is cheap, easy to choose from and last long) ;p

Energy

To those who think that love is a the main fuel/main source of energy in life, this is something that you should read, reflect, and hopefully help you to recondition what love really means to you.

Assuming that love = biological energy for you. According to Helmholtz, energy has the ability to change forms, and despite changing form, the amount of energy remains the same in other form. For example, the amount of energy/love formed within your relationship with your partner, will transfer into another form, friendship, when the primary energy form changed. How? When you break up, you tend to spend more time with other friends, in order to replace the source of the energy, hence forming the same amount of energy/love in a different form, instead of couple relationship into friendship relationship.

To those who still remember secondary physics class, energy is almost impossible to destroy, it only remain static until it is triggered. For those who think that that's the end of the world when your relationship died, think again. Love/energy never dies. It just remain static, or in another form that you haven't pay attention to trigger it. So, find the right button, press on it to activate it again.

Since love/energy changed form all the time, you should be acknowledge that nothing in this world, including love, will remain at the same form forever. Energy/Love will eventually leak out and get weaken as it remain in the same form. Therefore, we should learn how to preserve energy/love, by allowing it to change form and leave it alone, instead of holding on it, and eventually dies off. Remember, if you believe love as if it is your life energy, you should believe the fact that love/energy never dies off completely, it just change form. In another word, give freedom for your loved one, and when a relationship ends, it doesn't end completely. It just changes form, and what you have to do next is to relocate the next form.

For me, i'm still charging my battery/energy now, but i know when and how to convert and transfer my energy to other sources. So, for others who are like me, you should never give up relocate the new form of your energy, or in my case, to start to shock someone!!!!!!! ;p